Monroe's Baby

This is Monroe at around 12 weeks old. This little stuffed toy was with her when she came to our home when she was 8 weeks old. It is now the famous "Monroe's baby" at our house.

The idea was to send each puppy home with a transitioning toy, something that was with them before they left the security and familiarity of their mom and litter mates. Monroe became very attached to her "baby". She was the only dog in our home for the first few months she was with us, and her baby was her buddy. Shasta was away at guide dog school then. Later, when Monroe was around 5 months old, Shasta was cut from the guide dog training program and came to live at our house forever. While Monroe fell in love with him instantly she has continued to hold a special affection for her little green baby, taking it to bed with her each night and carrying it around the house at times during the day.

I kept it after she entered the guide dog training program because it held so many Monroe memories for me. Later, when Monroe, like Shasta, was cut from training and returned to our house to live, she found her little green baby and picked up where she left off. Monroe's baby was her special toy, the only toy Shasta was not allowed to play with.

Shasta usually slept in bed with me, and Monroe usually chose a dog bed nearby on the floor. As a foster puppy she wasn't allowed on the furniture. Later, as a pet she was invited to snuggle up with the rest of us our king size bed (a large bed is required if you are going to sleep with two German Shepherd dogs!). Sometimes she stayed with us, but often times she chose instead to return to her own bed with her little green baby after the lights were turned out.

It has been difficult for me to sleep now without Shasta. And even though I invite Monroe on to my bed, she still prefers her own bed once the lights are off.

Monroe is once again the only dog in the house and she has returned to her little stuffed toy for company.

The last several days I have come home to find Monroe napping on my bed with her little green baby. It is rather tattered and ugly now, but I could never take it away from her (except for an occasional trip through the washing machine...).

She has been taking it to my bed during the day for nap time company while I am gone. Later, when Art returns home in the evening from work, Monroe goes to get her baby and holds it in her mouth making all sorts of odd noises of joy while going around and around Art in her happy welcome home expression of love for him. She shares her baby only with the people she loves, so it's a HUGE honor to be greeted by her and this rather ugly old stuffed toy.

Icarus Shawl for Mom

In the Summer of 2006 I began to knit the Icarus Shawl from Miriam L. Felton's pattern in Interweave Knits magazine, Summer 2006 issue.

This is what it looked like in 2006:

I wanted my mom to have the shawl to celebrate her becoming a great-granny. I finally finished the shawl yesterday and mailed it to Mom today. It didn't take 4 years to knit, so many other things seemed to capture my attention along the way and the shawl was set aside to wait. A week ago I decided that I'd knit on it until it was finished. I am pleased now that it is done.

Five Years Ago Today


The photo of Shasta on the cover of the October 2006 issue of Dog World magazine was taken at an agility trial we competed in together in Westfield, MA on June 12, 2005. I love the look on Shasta's face as he watches me for direction on where to go next. I can't believe it was 5 years ago, it feels like just yesterday. I still can't comprehend that Shasta is gone.

I recently read a short poem that expresses many of my feelings, it is titled, "I Only Wanted You".

I ONLY WANTED YOU

They say memories are golden
well maybe that is true
I never wanted memories,
I only wanted you.

A million times I needed you,
a million times I cried.
If love alone could have saved you
you never would have died.

In life I loved you dearly,
In death I love you still.
In my heart you hold a place
no one could ever fill.

If tears could build a stairway
and heartache make a lane,
I’d walk the path to heaven
and bring you back again.

Our family chain is broken,
and nothing seems the same.
But as God calls us one by one,
the chain will link again.

(Anonymous)

The nest is empty, the weeds have returned

The Robins have grown and left the nest. Only a few blue egg shell fragments remain. Somewhere a tired momma bird is resting. She has time to catch her breath after searching for enough bugs and worms to feed just herself today.

The garden weeds have grown back already, even the forsythia needs to be trimmed again. It takes so much effort for me to do even a little yard work right now. Monroe waits patiently, she is such a sweet girl.

My heart is still heavy. This is were things become more lonely for me in many ways. It has been four weeks since Shasta left and I feel the expectation from others that I need to start moving on. But I can't. The sharp pain in my chest is still so fresh, the emptiness in my heart and the power of my sadness still too strong to escape. I am lost in time with Shasta, not able to accept that he is part of the past now. I am still so numb, yet all around me people continue on with their lives. The growing weeds force me to see that time is moving forward, even though I struggle against it.

Monroe spends some her time wondering in the yard by herself. Some days she seems independent and fine, other days she whines a lot. I try and comfort her, sometimes it helps. But like me, sometimes she can't be comforted. We are alone now, there is no changing that.

I ordered two links for my agility bracelet a couple weeks ago. They came in the mail today, just in time for my birthday. The links were for Shasta's AKC agility excellent (AX, AXJ) and master level (MX, MXJ) titles. Most of Shasta's agility titles are on the bracelet now, the MX title was the most challenging for us to earn. Many, many NQ's before we earned the needed 10 Q's for the MX. Shasta and I ran a lot of courses together to earn his MX title.

A lot of good memories wrapped around my wrist.

Not enough Photos
I didn't take many photos in 2009. I was sad after retiring Shasta from agility and felt a loss in direction. We tried tracking/trailing for a while, Shasta did wonderfully at it, I was so proud of him, but without agility, something was always missing. I retired Shasta from agility early, a few months before he turned 9, to lessen the risk of joint injury/pain for him in his golden years. Had I known there would never be that golden time, we would have stayed in agility, Shasta and I both loved it. It was very hard to leave and I have often wished we had stayed. I should have lived in the moment more. My regrets in life are so often because I didn't live in the moment. If Shasta taught me anything - it is the moment matters most.

I feel even more sad now as I look for recent photos of Shasta and can't find any. He was a breathtakingly beautiful dog, I can't believe I didn't take more pictures. I did take some pictures after his surgery, they are even more sad for me to look at though. I want to find a photo of Shasta taken recently, but before the time when I knew I was losing him; a picture of Shasta taken when he was healthy and strong. So far I have found this one taken November 26, 2009, about a month before his 10th birthday. He was a such good boy, my baby boy, by dear friend.


My Dearest Shasta,

I will always love you, I think I always have, I just didn't know it until we met and you taught me what perfect love is. I will try and be a better person so that someday I will be able to see you again. Heaven is a happier place now that you are there. I miss you my friend.

All my love, Mavis

Simple Things and Monroe

The GSD lovers forum on Ravelry is doing a knit along of the shawlette pattern "Simple Things" by Mary-Heather Cogar . We are posting our finished projects modeled by our dogs. I used the yarn Shasta Blue for mine, Monroe is modeling it for the camera.

This wonderful Ravelry group has shared many kind thoughts and stories of their dogs that have touched my heart. Other group members are currently experiencing similar losses in their lives, offering my own words of encouragemement to them has forced me to think beyond my own saddness.

Here is a picture of all our Simple Things so far. It is a work in progress, the picture will get updated as more photos are added from group members.

Knit Sweaters for Samantha

I knit 2 sweaters for Samantha in May and need to get them gift wrapped, the baby shower is on Sunday. I worked on the pink one while Shasta was here and started the multicolored after he passed. I am pleased with how the sweaters turned out, the name of the pattern for the pink one is "Samantha".

Sometimes, though, I wish I could turn back time by just unraveling my knit stitches. My heart still aches for Shasta, I miss him so.

From Our Veterinarian

I received this card in the mail today.

I don't know how to express my gratitude.
Shasta touched many lives, mine was just one of them.

Some fiber to spin, a heart to heal

I went to the Massachusetts Sheep and Woolcraft Fair over the weekend. I made a few late entries in the handspun skein competition. I chose three skeins that I had spun before Shasta passed. I have only entered a few handspun contests before. I wasn't sure if my heart could do it again. In the past, my fiber ribbons were accompanied by Shasta winning agility ribbons around the same time, and that was a part of the fun and experience of the fiber show for me. I wasn't sure how I'd feel about fiber without Shasta. ( previous Ribbons )

My yarns won a few ribbons this weekend.

The one that I loved the most was my Novelty Yarn entry. I named it "Shasta Blue", I finished spinning and plying this skein when Shasta was still with me. The yarn is a blend of fibers, Merino/Bamboo/Silk (50/25/25); a 3 ply yarn that I spun on a drop spindle and plied on my Louet S10 wheel, it's the multi colored blue yarn shown photo below. I lost points on it for "stray fibers spun in". I wasn't sure what the judge was referring to. As I looked closely at the skein later, though, I saw several of Shasta's hairs poking out of the yarn. He was part of my fiber show experience after all! I can't think of a better fault a judge could find in my handspun yarn.