Saturday, June 12, 2010

The nest is empty, the weeds have returned

The Robins have grown and left the nest. Only a few blue egg shell fragments remain. Somewhere a tired momma bird is resting. She has time to catch her breath after searching for enough bugs and worms to feed just herself today.

The garden weeds have grown back already, even the forsythia needs to be trimmed again. It takes so much effort for me to do even a little yard work right now. Monroe waits patiently, she is such a sweet girl.

My heart is still heavy. This is were things become more lonely for me in many ways. It has been four weeks since Shasta left and I feel the expectation from others that I need to start moving on. But I can't. The sharp pain in my chest is still so fresh, the emptiness in my heart and the power of my sadness still too strong to escape. I am lost in time with Shasta, not able to accept that he is part of the past now. I am still so numb, yet all around me people continue on with their lives. The growing weeds force me to see that time is moving forward, even though I struggle against it.

Monroe spends some her time wondering in the yard by herself. Some days she seems independent and fine, other days she whines a lot. I try and comfort her, sometimes it helps. But like me, sometimes she can't be comforted. We are alone now, there is no changing that.

I ordered two links for my agility bracelet a couple weeks ago. They came in the mail today, just in time for my birthday. The links were for Shasta's AKC agility excellent (AX, AXJ) and master level (MX, MXJ) titles. Most of Shasta's agility titles are on the bracelet now, the MX title was the most challenging for us to earn. Many, many NQ's before we earned the needed 10 Q's for the MX. Shasta and I ran a lot of courses together to earn his MX title.
A lot of good memories wrapped around my wrist.

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